Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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