Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
