tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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