stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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