There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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