I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
