He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
