new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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