There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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