I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
