The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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