she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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