Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
whose parrot is this?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
