I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize