i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you will always have a special place in my vag
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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