I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
