i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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