Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
