3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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