Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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