My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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