So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
