im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
