You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
