OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
