I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
