Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
