god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
