listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
