I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
