New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
