NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
