I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
