So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
