He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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