he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
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