Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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