$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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