So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i will never coherently bang her
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
