Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
