Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
