chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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