I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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