I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
