Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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