I want to stick my p in your. b.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Are we still banned from the library?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ladies don't puke and tell
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
