I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
