Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
