I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
