you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
