So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
