Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Still dying that you shit outside
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize