I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
