I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
