What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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