Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
