nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
