I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
that may or may not have been my penis.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
