don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
